did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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