two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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