Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
