just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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