I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
