After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
