Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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