i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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