apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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