Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
