I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
