Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
