Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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