just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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