I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
