Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
