the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I could make wine with my vomit
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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