I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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