I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I've blown a few things in my day
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
