I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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