is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
