well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
