Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
