Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You are the jesus of drinking
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
