Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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