oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
