I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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