once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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