I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
