So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
