I faked an abortion last night.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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