Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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