Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
