I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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