I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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