I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
