i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
