do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
