It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
