Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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