apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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