God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just found a bag of teeth...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
