well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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