i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
