i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Bring me that man meat
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
