Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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