I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
