then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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