Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
