If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
