Don't make out with my wife yet
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
